Adjust your eyes to the brightness.
The breaks are cold. You walking through the hall in your pajama bottoms, wondering if I’ve moved at all. (I have not. I don’t know what to do.)
Anxiously. I should get out more. But I think I’ll just eat a cheeseburger. Apply for some jobs. Chew some more gum. & wait for that moment. It’s close.
I forgot to tell you.
I turned off all my social media notifications. I much prefer screaming into a void to the tune of a symphony for a crater, then catching up on the commentary. I’ve never been a performer, I just want to capture things.
Sometimes it’s my face. Or half of. Or my words. & I remind myself these are your stupid rules. & that no one actively hates you. Stop being insecure.
In lieu of being strange & wonderful in rose colored clouds of vapor, I’ve been writing, but you have to find it. & making art out of to do lists. Publishing copy. Teaching my friends (& strangers) how to build websites. Volunteering. Reading. Taking deep breaths. Sleeping too much. Procrastinating. Forgetting. Making lists. Distracting myself.
Will revert after Tuesday.
The drafts & trash bin are my real diary. So rarely published. Or reviewed. My words annoy me. So, I get it. I feel neurotic when I’m at my best. & I think you have a complex. Just remember to let it go.
She should be nicer. More present. Tonight I played my flute. In tune.
& last week I got a keyboard from an estate sale. I’ve been messing around. But I have to be in the right mood. It’s felt unwanted.
My plants are still alive. They look healthy. Henrietta too. She lives in a doll house.
Been feeling red lips. Power moves.
Ps get out. More. & finish stuff. & pay attention to details.
Things I have given myself over the past year for my birthday because I am incredibly fortunate & have a beautiful life despite us all being doomed sooner or later:
Freedom from the corporate world
A legit corset.
A subscription to nicotine gum.
Fuck Trump Lipstick
Chocolate brown hair dye.
A strawberry dress.
BUT HEAR ME OUT.
Democracy is arguably as destructive as Socialism.
Apparently it’s that easy.
I’m very tired
& I just close my eyes.
After serious talks about passive aggressiveness.
It’s no secret it was.
After sleeping on it though, I think it gets better.
Because a lot of it made sense. And I think I am. & I mumble.
Do not forget.
Do not change your mind.
You are less lonely alone.